Six Figure Update

Yes, we got the cat

In the least shocking update, yes we adopted the cat. Remember how his little write-up was all about how he just likes to hide under his blankets? BOLD FACE LIE. I feel like I adopted this:


And came home with this:

So far he’s broken a lamp, spilled water everywhere (multiple times), tried eating a Barbie’s hair and most notably: pissed and shit in Oliver’s bed. It’s going well.      

Potty training

Sweet baby Jesus, halleluiah! Those that know Oliver know that he has been defiant when it comes to potty training. Asking him to sit on the toilet would illicit the same response as asking him to give both his kidneys to an active member of ISIS.

We turned a corner a few weeks ago with him, but it’s still a struggle. Caroline hated the feeling of an accident in her big girl underwear, but Oliver is more along the lines of “yeah so what? I pissed in my Finding Nemo underwear. He’s a fish, he likes to be wet. Sue me.” There’s no winning.

Furthermore, I’ve spent his college fund on bribes. I’ve visited every Wal-Mart, Target and Toys R Us in a 20 mile radius to purchase $.99 trucks yet he still has multiple “accidents” daily. Imagine if everytime a drop of urine came out of you, you got rewarded. It’s so simple and he’s just mocking me at this point.

Best Friend’s wedding

My best friend got MARRIED. All sarcasm aside, it was the perfect day. She looked so stunning and happy. The wedding had zero pretense to it– you could feel that it was a wedding between two people that loved each other as opposed to two people who just wanted throw a wedding. It was so them. I’m sad it’s over!

Hilariously enough, the night ended for Oliver with his pants going up in flames from a sparkler induced incident. He’s fine, of course, has a little burn on his ankle, but seriously…he wasn’t even drunk. I was like 5 glasses of chardonnay into the night and even I didn’t set myself on fire. He’s a true amateur.

Kids party

Because I only conceive around Christmastime, I have double birthday’s on the horizon. We are having a big joint celebration in two weeks so I’ve been crafting construction truck and purple kitty decorations. I also apparently have to feed guests which is appalling to me. I’m okay with feeding people baked goods, but there’s an actual meal beforehand. I don’t know. Grab some McDonald’s on your way to the party, people.


Why’d you bring this up? I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Taylor Swift

Ooh, but I DO want to talk about this. At first, I disliked her new song because zero people care about how a rich, white girl’s feelings were hurt by other millionaires. But after 200 listens, I’d like to hear ALL of her new songs right now. It’s 2017! We live in the age of Beyonce who drops surprise entire albums overnight. So Taylor, why do we have to wait until November for your songs? She rhymed “time” with “time” on her latest single so it’s not like she’s composing masterpieces. I ain’t got time for your theatrics Taylor!

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