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Quarantine Chronicles #1: What the…

Now That's What I Call Coronavirus' Album Meme Pops Up Online

<<< This was written like two weeks ago. I’m delayed in all aspects of life >>>

Well it took a global pandemic for me to resume blogging, but here I am. This is obviously some type of weird, unprecedented time and as a historian (and medical doctor, I will get to that later…) I really wanted to document the pure INSANITY of this time we are living in. We’ve all been through the warnings of Zika (yo baby will be all deformed), Ebola (KEEP THAT SHIT AWAY) and swine flu (swine is another word for “pig” — #facts), but this is truly unparalleled to anything we’ve ever seen. And we’ve seen the host of “The Apprentice” become President so we’ve seen a lot of shit. 

So if you aren’t living on planet earth (and if you aren’t, leave a comment!) then you are in the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic. Like a lot of people, I shrugged off the severity of this virus. I figured that we were better off than China and Italy and that somehow, through any God that people pray to and science, we would be in a better position. 

Wrong. 

I blame cruise ships. And Tom Cruise. 

Anyway, over the past few days I’ve made a drastic shift in my opinion because the Coronavirus is here and it’s real and quite frankly, it’s a little scary. I’m familiar with the dystopian and zombie genre, I just never thought I’d be so close to living during one. Last week at this time, I was gearing up for “The Bachelor” finale with my ziplock freezer bag full of assorted m&m’s with minimal cares in the world other than Peter having the dullest final two ever. Seriously, what notoriously promiscuous, party animal, non-religious man is like “I definitely see a future with this devout Christian virgin.” What a dumbass. 

44 Coronavirus Memes — Funny Coronavirus Memes


Flashforward to this week and “The Bachelor” concerns seem so trivial and years removed from our current reality. Our county had its first confirmed case last week, BUT the person had recently traveled to Italy. By Saturday, we had our first case of local transmission. We were on our way to the mall for a fun surprise with the kids and literally turned around and came home. Schools closed. As a teacher, I’ve celebrated snow days, wind days, power outages, etc. But seeing every single school close INDEFINITELY was a much different feeling. This wasn’t something to smile about or to joyfully announce to the kids. This was downright scary. 

That Escalated Quickly | Well that escalated quickly, Boy that ...


Today, we are up to 14 confirmed cases and one death. I set up a homeschooling corner in our house which I thought was only reserved for anti-vaccine moms who made their own deodorant. Instead of “liking” pictures of people celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at bars, I despised them for not heeding medical advice to stay at home. There was a sudden, dark shift in the world and a realization that we aren’t untouchable, irreplaceable or protected. 

But because I’m a scholar and life-long learner, I wanted to know as much as I could about our future so I watched the movie “Contagion.” 

And let me tell you…

Thank GOD we don’t have the virus Gwyneth Paltrow brought back from Hong Kong- instant death sentence. We are talking foam at the mouth and everything. However, everything else was exactly the same. The worldwide panic, shut down and even the term “social distancing.” Quite frankly, I thought it was a newly invented term like “conscious uncoupling” (another thing Gwyneth Paltrow brought into this world, ugh). 

A Scientific Adviser On “Contagion” Said People Should Have Taken ...
This bitch.


Through this movie, Kate Winslet taught me the word “fomite” which are surfaces that can carry diseases. This officially brings up my science knowledge to two terms (I also know about ribosomes. Those are the sites of protein synthesis. I don’t know what that means, but it’s the only thing I remember from high school biology that I proudly received a 66% in. PASSED!). So because of my knowledge regarding fomites and new interest in medical tracing, I feel as if I’m ready to lead the medical community. I’ll start taking questions on Instagram Live at 5pm. 

This has already been a crazy learning curve for everyone in our house as it is for everyone, everywhere. It’s unlike my naturally bitter and pessimistic personality to actually be positive in situations like this, but I can’t help to think that there’s silver linings hidden in the panic and fear. For example: added family time and not wearing a bra. 

Okay, I need to go and have my 40th glass of wine because #LIFE, but I’m going to try and document our Quarantine Chronicles because what the f*** else do I have to do?**

** I guess I could teach my children. Raise them. Clean the house. Read a book. Shave my legs. Really anything that I haven’t done in years. 

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