Well it’s Monday. Normally, I’d be wrapping up first period by now, but today? I’m unshowered, in my new, ankle-length monogrammed robe(couldn’t be sexier if I tried) and brewing my first cup of coffee. This stay-at-home stuff ain’t so bad.
My post-Christmas vacation started off with me taking Caroline to the doctor’s. Obviously, my number one priority is my child’s health, but I also had to go there just to get everyone off my back. I heard “you better call the doctor’s!” at least 489 times over the past week. Who else am I supposed to call when my child’s sick? A carpenter? A circus clown? Ghostbusters?
Upon my arrival, I was happy to see the waiting room was FULL of sick children. Listen, if my angel child had to suffer through Christmas puking and coughing at least she wasn’t alone in her misery. Furthermore, based on their coughs it seemed all of these toddlers had the same exact illness so I figured if the doctor’s was ground zero for the illness to cause the zombie apocalypse at least I’d be infected quickly and wouldn’t have to find food and try and survive and crap.
I was hesitant about taking Caroline to the doctor’s because doctors only “help” with one of the two sayings: “it will get better over time, just rest up!” or “let me refer you to a specialist.”
Swallowed a spatula? Just drink lots of fluids.
Somebody stabbed you? Might have to go see a specialist for that wound.
Contracted smallpox? Nothing a little R&R won’t cure!
Naturally, this was the course of our appointment. One of the many socially awkward doctors came in to examine Caroline and quickly diagnosed her with RSV which is basically baby bronchitis. When I said, “is there anything you can do?” her response was “no, it should clear up soon. Any questions?”
Yes. Why did you go to medical school l to tell me the same thing an illiterate hobo living under a bridge could tell me?
Ever since Thursday, we have been in deep hibernation mode. I keep showering and optimistically putting on real clothes as if I’ll be able to go anywhere, but then Liney Boom wakes up and it’s immediately downhill. I actually peed with her on my lap yesterday. The alternative? Her standing next to the toilet SCREAMING “mama! Mommy!” But thankfully, the puking has seemed to stop. The other night she woke up at 2am to throw up all over me. To give you a visual of my envious lifestyle, her puke somehow got into my underwear. Clearly, she’s a magician or maybe my underwear are just too big, I don’t know.
Yesterday I did manage to get out of the house during her second nap. I just wanted to be out so I figured I’d run to the craft store to get the materials I needed for a hair clip holder I want to make for her room. The damn project literally contains four materials: fabric, a frame, ribbon and glue. However, once in the craft store I immediately got overwhelmed by the crafty old ladies and aisles full of different yarn. 15 minutes later, I stormed out of the store mumbling so eloquently: “FORGET THIS, I’LL JUST BUY IT OFF OF ETSY.” At least I tried, right?
That disaster of a shopping spree sent me into a Pinterest and Etsy downward spiral. I stayed up until 1am “pinning” and “favorite-ing” everything I could that relates to C’s new room. Is this what people that don’t have to get up for work do all night? If so, it’s not bad, but I think I have arthritis in my index finger from scrolling on the iPad all night.
So that’s my life. Good thing I have a blog to enlighten you all about puke in my underwear and glaring laziness.
Okay, I’m off to go take care of my mini beast. Fingers crossed she is feeling a little better today! Maybe I could escape the house and get annoyed by someone long enough to give me some meaningful content on this thing